Work In Progress

I am in the waiting room at the hospital for my appointment with my psychiatrist.  I have been under her care since I was admitted to the hospital back in November.....last year.  Last year.  Last. Year.  Where has the time gone?  Where has summer gone?  BLINK! So. Check in time.  She will ask me how I feel.  I feel like I should have a good answer.  Something insightful....or meaningful....to show my progress. I haven't seen her in almost 2 months and so much and yet so little has happened.  BLINK!  These last few days I have been housebound...by choice.  Feeling like I need to be in my small world...as that is all I can handle with Oldest being off at school and the passing of my aunt.  The Spouse is on vacation so he has done baseball duty and water park duty while I have minded my small world and tried to keep breathing and not focusing on the cold feeling of my skin crawling ....or the tingly detachment I feel from my body and the big world.   Th

The next few days will be an interesting challenge for me to apply what I have been learning and hold it all together in a positive way, while also honoring and acknowledging the feelings that I am having. Tomorrow, we drop off my oldest son at University.  Move in is at 9AM tomorrow.  Tomorrow at this time we will be on the road on the way there (it is only about an hour away).  Tomorrow.  Twenty-four hours from now.  He is working today for 10 hours so he will not be here to put things in order which may be a good thing as I think I would be chattering in his ear all day.  Do you have...? Are you taking....? Did you pack...? Please, please, please text me!!!!! I am exciting and nervous for him all at once.  He is so introverted...will he make friends? What will his roommates be like?  Will he have fun?  Drink?  Party?  Meet girls?  I think I am gonna throw up. Now the reality is we take him on Sunday and I have to pick him up Thursday night as he works Friday, Saturday

Exhaling, zipper up,  material straining across hips, thighs compressed, the truth of my lack of motivation to do anything about my weight stared at me in the mirror in the form of a muffin top. Joy, confidence and self-worth sat discarded like the cotton, blue and while flowered sundress I'd abandoned in favor of something warmer as the sky shifted from light blue to pinks and purples.  They whispering amongst themselves, and refused to look my way when I tried to catch their eye.   These were my too-big-size-six-Old Navy-on-sale-I-know-I-am-a-perfect-size-four-at-Old-Navy-but-they-were-on-sale--capris .  As purple spread across the sky I slipped a loose sweatshirt over my head that covered the offense, reminding myself to look up a recent post I had done on being defeated by a red dress.... how long ago was that?  Time is a slippery thing.  WeekENDs do not distinguish themselves from weekDAYS in summer when you have one child home, one working days and weekends

Elbow deep in my bag on my arm, my fingers walked  quickly  over the contents, quickly identifying and then rejecting each item in a blind attempt to locate my wallet. The last few items beeped through the scanner as drops of sweat formed and slowly rolled down the back of my shirt.   The cashier shifted from one foot to the other, letting out an audible sigh. She shared a knowing smirk with the growing line behind me.   "It's in here somewhere".  My purse puddled on the counter in front of me, I continued to dig, feeling a flash of warmth ricochet around my body.  My hand returned over and over to my sister's wallet that I was carrying for her as she scanned the birthday cards for an appropriate selection.   "Let me grab my sister."   As I bolted from the cashier line, I saw her heading my way and waved her forward.  The line collectively shook there heads.   I quickly filled her in on the missing wallet, asked her to pay and we le

I am going to celebrate a few things today: My morning glories are monstrous--taking over everything and the power of a single seed still astounds me!  Such strength and beauty from something that looks small and insignificant.  My deck and gazebo are a riot of blooms and soon-to-be tomatoes.  I saw my sista perfectionista yesterday who is always grounding and inspiring at the same time.  It had been awhile.  I felt awesome during and after! I have been doing the 21 day meditation challenge! I am a few days behind but am continuing to look for ways to get in touch with who I am. I have posted 61 blog posts (62 after I finish this one!)!  That is incredible to me!  I wasn't sure if this was for me....writing, thinking, sharing.  But the words became important and the process became important and it has been therapy.  It is a blue sky day and after readjusting my meds a bit (went off something that I thought really had no impact .... only to figure maybe it does) my red r

Gratitude is not a thing you have, it is a thing you do.  Without doing, it doesn't exist.  It is a bit like all the wool in my cupboards ---bags of it. I would say I am a knitter---but if I don't actually DO it ---can I claim I am a knitter?   I read Simple Abundance and kept an Abundance Journal when I was off work like this many years ago.  It felt silly at first. I am grateful for the blue sky today.  I am grateful for more green lights than red on the way to the grocery store.  I am grateful I found one cold soda at the back of the fridge when I thought we were out.   But instead of being silly, it made me mindful.  It caused me to seek out the good things in my day...and the act of writing them down gave them life.  There is something about taking a thought in your head and transposing it to paper.  It makes it real.  It becomes important.  And the more you do it, the more gratitude you find.  It is like when you zone out at during a boring movie and then Ka-POW

In a short battle, grey clouds tangle with blue sky, a patchwork heavens, splotches of sun illuminating the trees growing, until the sun shines brighter in victory.        Resiliency--the ability to overcome adversity -- starts with hope.   When I walked off my job teaching on a Friday in September I had no back up plan.  I felt hopeless and powerless of affect any changed in my life.  Through some good counseling, reading tons, a gratitude journal and medication therapy I was able to cultivate hope again in my life.  I decided I wanted to go back to school...to pursue a Masters Degree in Library Science.  My first job as a teacher was in a library and I had loved the nature of the work...teaching people to find information, to help them develop life long learning skills.  It was noble detective work and very rewarding.   So I had a goal.  I applied to school, applied for OSAP and called my family back in London to see if they would put me up while I tackled this 12

The subtitle for this chapter is Letting Go of Perfection.  I have blogged about my challenges with perfection....my perfectionista persona and my glaring lack of self-compassion.  I can excuse others for many things, but in therapy I used words like failure, incompetent, stupid and weak like a whack a mole hammer to beat myself down.  My therapist was always commenting that I was incredibly hard on myself.  I am not sure I ever agreed with her.  Brené Brown writes that our attempts to be perfect are our attempts to avoid shame, blame and judgement from others. The problem is, the more we strive to be this unattainable perfect the more we have to keep it up--to do better--to avoid letting people see our true, flawed, vulnerable selves. She says perfectionists are looking for approval and acceptance, not from themselves, but from others.  This is self-destructive because you cannot control the perceptions of others.  Continually striving to do so is exhausting. Finally, perfecti

Today is day 1 of the Oprah and Deepak Chopra 21 Day Meditation Challenge .  I am thinking I will use my morning time to try this out.  I already sit outside each morning and the introduction and meditation total 15 minutes.  Practicing for 21 days should help me get better at it, and I can do it on my phone so there should be no excuses about not having my lap top.  The major theme is about the miracle of relationships--know thyself---before you can know others is week one.  Today was about being open to miracles...connecting with the universe...understanding that miracles are not necessarily rare, grand gestures but exist in everyday things.  Over at The Linden Tree Isle my new friend Lyndsay writes about this.  It is something she and I have both had moments of revelation about so I hope these next 3 weeks will allow me to build on this.  Maybe Lyndsay will join me. Who knows.  It might not be her thing and she already has a good start!

Most mornings, when I step outside with my coffee, I deposit my laptop on the table and from the far corner of the deck, survey what I can see of the gardens.   We have lived here for five years and this is the first year I did not buy any plants to add to the garden.   It is full and lush and green. The morning glories I started from the seeds of the single morning glory plant I received for Mother Day last year are climbing everywhere.   I am in the bubble of my small world.   I love it. Yesterday morning, the bird feeder had been empty of sunflower seeds, so I filled it up and sat down to write. The birds are used to me now, so come quiet close.   Harried sparrows fling seeds onto Sadie as she sleeps on the deck below, oblivious.   I opened my laptop and turned it on and sat back to wait for it to boot up. I frowned, noting a conspicuous gap in my garden.     I went to investigate. My small world perfect bubble of creative space, fashioned by weaving together bir