Work In Progress

It has been 18 months since my foundation gave way and I came crashing down, admitted to the Adult Mental Health Ward and started this soul work; this journey toward self a.k.a. "thehardestworkIhaveeverhadtodo.   It's still hard. Every day.   Following the masculine power model; I was pretty sure if I just set out a few goals, created a plan and checklist of things to complete I would be able to get back to juggling the forty seven things I always tried to do perfectly with no help, while swallowing managing my asthma, IBS, ear infections, two kids and  my anger at how inept most other people were. It felt a bit like a recipe: Start with a big dose of therapy Sprinkle liberally with medication  Dump in two, eight week courses of group therapy  Pour all into "ME" and bake until done. Problem is, there is no "done". Right now the work rehabilitation guy and I are playing phone tag.  He e-mails, I c

I recently visited my mother at her cottage/summer home.  It is one among many, located in a conservation area where she owns the building but the land is leased.  Tenants in the park must vacate for three winter months of each year to maintain the status of the property as a recreational home; something to do with taxes, I'm not sure.   So she and her partner spend April to November there, and then make their way to Panama City Beach wait out the cold Ontario winters in the cold northern Florida winters.  I keep telling her she should go further south to ensure she gets more warm weather, but she and her partner have established a core group of friends in their complex who arrive there every year. It is the same at the cottage.  Most evenings and weekends, the garage door is up at my mom's and the neon "OPEN" sign is lit up, inviting neighbors to wander down for a beer or cigar and a chat. Her partner can be seen most sunny days, riding his new lawn tracto

History is written by the victors. ~ Winston Churchill During my undergrad degree, and later during teacher's college, I explored this phenomenon in relation to how history represents the "discovery" of the New World and the impact on the inhabitants of North America. Floating islands with bears climbing trees from their point of view, were ships with bearded men on masts heading for land.  One person's "discovery and colonization" of a "new world", was another's invasion and suppression. Before that, I hadn't really questioned what was in the text books I read.  Text book equals the written, objective observations of fact.  As a librarian responsible for trying to provide a balanced collection of materials in a public library setting, I am so much more aware of the varying truths---of life presented through the views of someone else; to be considered as idea and opinion.  I have had requests to remove herbal remedy books from

I feel like we flipped from winter to summer and skipped spring all together. Everything is suddenly green, I have mowed the lawn twice and all I want to do is get my hands into the earth and start planting things.  Each day, I "tour" my small backyard garden to evaluate the new appearances and there seems so much to do to get ready.   I can't help but to make comparisons to my life.  I have gone from "on long term disability" to someone waiting for the rehabilitation specialist to call (which I thought, would be quite quickly after receiving his e-mail that he would call....) to get started back to work.  Again, I feel like there is a lot of work to do!   Three times a week I Body Flow and Zumba my way away from the evil scale numbers; not yet where I would like to be; the summer before last's capri pants remain unbuttonable.  Combined with cutting out wheat and sugar for over a month, I was able to edge away from the number on the scale I had

Tomorrow I become a new foster mom!  Before those who know me even start to raise an eyebrow, it is a foster mom to a cute little Maltese/Yorkie cross.   His name, currently, is "Doggy".   Two years ago around this time, I started to investigate adopting a dog. While the Youngest had been identified as having a dog and cat (and severe peanut allergy), I thought perhaps, he was now old enough to be able to manage having a low allergen/low shedding dog.  But I didn't want to offer a home and then find out that the allergies would be too much. After filling out pages and pages of fostering forms for various organizations, I heard very little.  One organization actually turned me down for fostering a particular dog because he was quite overweight and needed to be walked 3 or 4 times a day, and I was working full time then.  As a result, I turned to an online ad service to search out dogs for private sale or adoption. Discussions with the Spouse resulted in much s

I have been checking in with Malaika (my Inner Wisdom/Super Heroine --see previous post), each day since we met.  She is me, and yet she is not me, and by being only the wise, strong, unconditional loving, fluid parts of me, she can slow down time and provide me with space, time and nourishment to do the hard work. Right now, that includes looking at my Inner Mean Girls and redeploying them in a “helping” instead of “hindering” way.  It’s tough because I have five Inner Mean Girls that are all rolled into one.  Yolanda represents them all and she is the face of all the insidious whispers. Finding a new job for her is pretty easy.  All I need to do is turn her around.  Her arms crossed, the contempt on her face, her rulers ready to measure everything; this would surely silence the whispers. She would let them rant, her skeptic eyebrow raise enough to make them quiet down when they realized they were getting nowhere.  In fact, I think when the seed was planted back in week

Week 1 to 7 of Inner Mean Girl Reform School (IMGRS) focused a lot on identifying the inner critics whose running dialogue keep me small, quiet, angry, disconnected, anxious, depressed and exhausted.  My Inner Mean Girls include: a perfectionist: who constantly whispers --you're not good enough--at anything--ever--start over or don't even try it! a superwoman : who takes on too many things and berates me for all the things I didn't do and forgets all the things I did accomplish a comparison queen: who tells me I fall short of everyone's expectations or conversely, that I am better than everyone and they are idiots a doing addict: who runs from task to task--growing a list that can never be accomplished--and that keeps me distracted and frantic and exhausted and unavailable an achievement junkie (close cousin to the doing addict): who sets innumerable goals for me to reach and when I do, blasts past that one to the next