I spend a lot of time writing about all the stuff that goes on inside my body, mind, heart and soul as I dig through messy me to try to find something that I can hold on to, wave in the air, and call "joy" or "happiness" or much more desirable, "peace".
Each day is another chance to practice digging deep to find it.
The best place to look is often in the "small world" of my deck, or at my tiny trailer in summers, or even within the yellow orange walls of our backyard tent. I can be still, and I can find calm and peace in these small places.
And yet, some days the smallest physical place I go is the one that most routinely dumps me soundly on my ass.
With a late spring, no trailer or tent or gazebo in sight, I have been seeking the smallest of physical spaces to call my own---my mind.
The problem is....that is not the safest place right now as my doctor and I tweak medications to assist with the roving landslides that have been occurring within.
In my head--I have made up conversations about how things should be where no one interrupts me and I can stop, rewind and edit as I go. I sound perfect and no one can argue. They sit and listen and look thoroughly humbled.
When I am not doing that, I list at the next five things, at least, that I need to do, repeating them over and over so I will not forget them--which makes the list feel very long. Instead of five, it feels like 5+5+5+5 etc.
It is just me trying to find a way to control things in the larger world my body occupies while I go about being mom and Spouse and house keeper and cook and dog keeper.
On the worst days, when my mental list is long (most times I also carry around Youngest's list and Spouse's list to remind them of all the things they need to do as well), all it takes to drop me flat is hearing....
"Do we have garbage bags?"
It's like I've been interrupted at the most important moment of a of a VERY important conversation---with myself---and/or real people who have annoyed me with their fuckshittery......and I have to catch my breath to rewind the real world to actually hear the words that were said to me.
Spouse is sitting watching TV and has hollered. What did he say?
I am upstairs trying to put more towels on the teetering pile in the too tiny cupboard while the pasta sauce simmers in the kitchen and dogs stand outside barking to be let in and I am berating people in my brain.
Youngest should be doing homework, and where is Middle--I could use some help and they know it so are hiding out somewhere quietly. If I don't go find them they won't appear until dinner. I need to redo this closet.
"Hey! Do we have gar-bage bags?"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
And the safe, small space in my mind cracks open....
Yes perhaps I would have known the answer to that some other day, but NOT TODAY! I am UP STAIRS--not near the garbage bag place--and really---WHY do you want to know? Is it relevant to know this--- right this minute?
The towels teeter and fall---my list of to do---tumbling with them as I struggle to hang on to them---one, two, three, four, .....damn I forgot one....
And WHY do talk radio sports programs have a TV show so not only do I have to HEAR their annoying monotone loudness I get to SEE them sitting there wearing sweatshirts and sunglasses inside...
Wavering on my left foot as I knee-balance the remaining towels, one tucked under my chin, my right foot kicking at the escaping bed sheets. I look down the stairwell at the top of Spouse's head as he ferries chips from bag to mouth.
"Did you look to see if we have any?" I ask through gaping mouth, trying not to drop the chin-tucked towel.
"No--just wondered. I might go out later. Do we need any?"
And then my smallest of safest worlds---the one I have been so carefully managing, is blown wide open as it abandons any rational thought patterns and chore list chants to consider the possibilities of WHY someone would ask such a question at this time---twice---when clearly I am doing mental gymnastics here to remember the one, two three...DAMN!!!
And the towels. WHO STUFFS THEM IN HERE THIS WAY???
Not only do I have to add "redo laundry cupboard" to my list of one, two,.......DAMN YOU TOWELS!!! Ok so WHATEVER.
Redoing the towel/bed sheet closet has just become my new number one goal...YES RIGHT NOW BEFORE I FORGET.
"WHAT? WHAT? GO OUT LATER? GET SOME GARBAGE BAGS? GET OFF THE COUCH TO SEE IF WE NEED ANY???? YES! YES! and YES!"
"Geeze, I am just trying to help...."
YUP. Some days are just,